More on Bullshit
By admin on Jul. 11, 2008.
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Bullshit
*but weren’t bored enough to ask
Bullshit: a definition (of sorts)
Fun synonyms to use in Scrabble: Bunkum, hogwash, balderdash, twaddle, poppycock, malarkey
Bullshit originates, literally, from a bull’s poop shoot. This, of course, should probably go without saying. Hopefully, I am not disappointing anyone by stating that the factual pooping habits of bovines will not be under discussion here (Wikipedia does have a riveting post on cow dung, in case you feel mislead).
The bullshit I am talking about is a communication medium. It can be written, spoken, and occasionally performed (e.g. all forms of performance art, especially artists billing themselves as avant-garde, or any performance involving body fluids.)
Bullshit as a Verb
Let’s discuss the word bullshit in a grammatical sense for a moment, specifically its verb forms. As an intransitive verb it means to speak foolishly and insolently. It can also mean speaking some idle jibber jabber that no one cares about. As a transitive verb though, bullshit becomes a gleaming turd in the rough, super charged by its new ability to intentionally mislead or deceive, simply by blathering on about nonsense.
“Yes, Please”
—Oscar Wilde
Transitive bullshit is the only kind anyone pays much attention to. This is the bullshit we like. It’s a win/win situation for everyone. Either you nod dumbly and suck up the lame stories the media, politicos and their ilk spin, and go happily about your day; or you get the sweet satisfaction of calling someone out on their bullshit. And who doesn’t enjoy mocking their fellow citizens, whether publicly or privately? Politics, business, reality TV, and the internet are founded on these transitive bullshit principles. Without it: Ann Coulter would no longer be able to play dominatrix schoolmarm on the cover of books (creepy), Stephen Colbert would have no one left to ridicule, Tila Tequila would have to go back to giving blow jobs at the bus stop, and the entire world of corporate communications would grind to a halt.
The Origin of Bullshit: a.k.a. The Big Bang— or whatever you religious types call it
Our universe is said to have begun by something science geek’s call a singularity. The single most notable thing about this event is that they know nothing about it. They don’t know where it came from, how it appeared or why. Bullshit is kinda like the universe. Its origins are essentially unknown, we really have no clue where it came from, and like theories on the universe, hypotheses on the beginnings of bullshit are plentiful. But, unlike the astronomers, astrophysicists, and other smart people who probably have no social skills; those of us who choose to pursue the origin of bullshit as a matter of scientific inquiry will not be privy to grants, accolades, or the occasional Nobel Prize. But we have some advantages. We could probably smoke those smarty pants at speed dating or in other social situations, where the ability to bullshit beats a degree from Cal Tech, hands down. Instead, we are left to our own devices, crafting half-cocked theories no one cares about.
A Few Irreverent Theories
The crazy bastards at Uncyclopedia.org trace the origins of bullshit to the evolutionary process. Their theory involves ancestral simians hurling shit at one another (perhaps more fun than our modern day version, but oh-so-messy). Harry G. Frankfurt, some pompous windbag from Princeton, has tied bullshit up with a pretty bow and packaged it as philosophy. His book, On Bullshit was written for those who prefer their bullshit ponderings to be of the pretentious-pipe-smoking-elbow-patched-academic variety. And while George Carlin has made a great case for religion being the origin of bullshit, I will leave his legacy alone. Instead, I will move forward in history a bit, and settle for Italy, 1513 as the start of the relentless PR campaign to inundate every facet of life with towering mountains of bullshit.
The Origins of Bullshit 2 or: How Machiavelli ruined the world
Imagine you were a once popular political figure. People asked your opinions; they let you lead an army. You were resourceful, vengeful, and had a weapon. And then, wham! Your government is overthrown and the new people in power are pretty pissed at you. They put you in jail, try to convict of you of treason. But you’re a real smooth talker and manage to convince the new government of your innocence. Instead of being executed, you are banished to the farm where you began, penniless and completely broken down.
Letter to a prince
Now you’re the one who is pissed off. Not to mention bored. No one out in the country gives a shit about how important you were. Out there, everyone has to shovel manure, even you. You start to hear voices, and begin to hatch a plan. Inspired by all the cattle, the quiet and the piles of dung, you begin to feverishly write a letter to a prince. You decide to use what you have learned about shit, war and egotism, and apply it to all principalities. You figure, if you feed the prince a bunch of bullshit, cleverly disguised as deep political teachings, he will elevate you from the crap pile back to the castle.
Machiavelli’s Legacy
Who knows what the prince thought of Machiavelli’s ramblings? Evidence suggests he may not have seen them at all. Regardless, someone did–everyone did–and it is from this slim volume of political rants, by a man high on the smell of cow crap, we get bullshit. He thought killing people was a pretty nifty way to gain and hold power, and the bulk of his treatise concerns this theme. Besides war, he lectures a lot on how to properly govern your people. This is where he gives all leaders the green light to be deceptive and tricky. He has long been credited with “freeing political action from moral consideration” and he was shrewd enough to understand that most people have the tendency to imitate what goes on around them. Guess what that means?
2+2=Bullshit
Added up, imitation and a casual disregard for moral behavior equals Heads of State running around the world behaving like jackasses, with no compulsion to tell the truth. Consider this quote from Sen. Joe Biden, “This is bullshit, this is malarkey. This is outrageous, for the president of the United States to go to a foreign country, to sit in the Knesset…and make this kind of ridiculous statement.” Even other politicians are getting fed up. We are told lies, blurry half-truths, and subjected to spin. Injustices are forked over casually, served up as something good for us. And it trickles down, and trickles down (imitation remember?) until we all start cooking up asinine stories to make ourselves look better. Machiavelli didn’t invent bullshit; he simply said, “Hey man, that’s cool.”
Bullshit for the people
The Job interview
You’ve done it. Don’t even try to deny it. And if you have ever been subjected to a behavioral job interview (describe a time when you didn’t punch your boss in the face, but you really, really wanted to?) and survived, you are a Jedi master of bullshitting. This increasingly common (and stupid) interview format seems to have been created with the purpose of unfurling bullshit into perpetuity. The questions are ridiculous, and the answers (created in panic so blinding you can’t remember your own name, let alone describe a time when you led change in your organization) are so incomprehensible and so loaded with self-aggrandizing blah-blah-blah, that they can only be one thing . . . bullshit.
College
I’m not really sure what people are supposed to learn in college. But no matter what your diploma says, you have really earned a degree in bullshit. Term papers teach you to rehash bullshit written by someone else. You sit through lectures (probably the same lectures the professors have been giving for thirty years) with professors who are enamored by the sound of their own mellifluous bullshit. Eventually, you manage to learn how to con your parents out of money to buy more weed (they assume the money is for books).
Dating
All mating rituals require a certain amount of bullshit. In the early stages of a relationship, men feel compelled to convince their ladies that they really do have money, manners, and sexual prowess. The inevitable result is a string of costly outings and dinners they can’t really afford, suppressed farts, a limited engagement gallantly opening doors, and erections which begin to wilt the minute the relationship hits the three month mark. For the girls, dating is only about two things: money and trying to hoodwink men into believing they aren’t whores. No one wants to marry a slut.
The Internet
Nothing produces more bullshit then the internet. Nothing. It is a time wasting, money swindling and propaganda spreading, vortex of bullshit. And I love it. We all love it. We can’t get enough. Where else can you get politics, porn, and pyramid schemes all in one place?
If you still want more Bullshit—these websites will oblige
www.usa.gov: OMG!
www.billoreilly.com: he seems to spew his share of bullshit
www.theonion.com: Always a blast. And their must read article - “Poll: Is Most Important Issue for 2008 Voters Bullshit?”
www.emptybottle.org: home of the glorious web bullshit generator
